With all the stuff going on in the news, from the bombing and shootings in Oslo, Norway to Amy Winehouse, all you hear on the news is death, death, death now.
I had been writing up a blog post about the incidents of Oslo and Winehouse but I decided to instead post about suicide due to what just happened to me in real life.
A friend from middle school yesterday at 22:00 posted on Facebook that he was going to kill himself.
His status went like this:
i cant take it anymore.....
fuck my life who needs it cuz i dont im just a waste of time eveyone im sorry.....bye
After several comments, he deactivated his Facebook.
Before I continue on with this post, let me say this.
My views on suicide are impacted by my own experiences, acquaintances, friends who are alive or dead, and so much more.
I view suicide as a sad event, but I am not anti-suicide.
I believe that if a person chooses to take their own life by themselves or by physician assisted death, it is their own choice.
However I try to stop as many people as I can who are feeling suicidal if I know the reasoning behind it can be changed in the future or that it is something that takes time.
I have never called 911 ever for a person who was suicidal.
That is, until yesterday.
You see, my friend, we'll call him... M for Mostamazingpersonwhohastobefound.
My friend M has this amazing personality, and he listens to whoever talks to him.
He has always been so easy to talk to and at school, we'd always be like this:
"Hey Bunneh!"
"Hey M!"
-hug-
"How are you today!"
"Great! We totally HAVE to hang out sometime"
I wish I had said so many things now.
We never did end up hanging out after middle school was over.
He is this amazing singer, and his own uncle hired him to sing at his bar.
His voice just makes you fall apart when you least expected it.
I hope he's still singing.
Moving on, here are what I would had responded to each of his comments if it had been in a private message (he deactivated his Facebook account quick after a few more people had started writing on his status)
ok im stopping all the bull crap thats what everybody want me to do so thats what im doing....
This was said after someone said "M stop ok"
First off, the first person who posted on his status makes me angry.
The last thing you should say is to tell them to stop.
You should have tried to calm him down you f**king idiot (excuse my language)
To M, it's not bull crap that you're feeling that way.
To anybody, your feelings, your reactions, none of it is bull crap.
Nobody wants you to stop living.
Trust me, I have been told so many times the following:
"You should kill yourself"
"Not dead yet?"
"I bet your mom is sorry you were born"
"You should hang yourself"
"Go jump off a cliff"
"Shoot yourself for the better good"
"Stab yourself sometime"
etc.
To anybody, anybody else who has felt that or has been told that, don't listen to it.
Don't listen to that person, if it is yourself telling that or another person.
They don't know who you are, what you have been through.
Do you really want them to "win" that "game" since it really isn't a game at all.
If anybody tells you that, it is completely out of line and it is ridiculous.
They are pathetic, weak, and the only power they have over you are a weak choice of words that would put anybody down.
Here is something for you to know.
When you tell yourself you want to die, your body will fight it as much as it can.
Your body is still fighting for you even though you decided you lost the fight.
When your body is dying, the mind tries to fight it off for as long as it can.
No matter what, some part of your body is always going to be fighting for you until the very end, which I dearly hope will not be soon.
If you are feeling suicidal and you just have to talk to someone, but once you talk to them, they react like.....:
"Dude, what the f**k, suicide is for freaks"
"You're not going to kill yourself get a grip"
"Are you emo?"
First off, who the hell are these people.
Your friends?
Hell, no.
If you cannot depend on a person when it comes to feelings, try this.
Write yourself a long, long letter of everything you are feeling.
Write down everything, draw, scribble, whatever.
Once you're all done, put it in an envelope.
From there, either drop it off in a box or burn it in a fire.
There are so many things you can do if you put your mind on it.
It is so hard to get your mind off of suicide.
It sounds like bliss, a new life, whatever you feel.
But you have to stop yourself.
To this day, I still do think suicidal often, but do I act upon it?
No.
I refuse to act upon a feeling that I feel that will go away sooner or later, even if a temporary relief from that feeling.
Even that glimpse of not feeling depressed or suicidal for me is like a reward.
It gives me hope that if it happens once, it will happen again.
who cares about how i feel its not like no one wants me around it seems like everyone is just leaving me and throwing me away and i think i should do the same
M, read what you just wrote to yourself.
Who cares?
So many people do.
Don't let your mind take over your actions, and cloud your judgement.
I take suicidal thinking like being drunk.
It clouds your judgement and leads you to stupid things.
People will always constantly leave you in life, throw you away once they find better things, etc.
But there will ALWAYS be people who will come into your life.
There are people in your lives that notice you, think about you, care for you.
Think of it like a crush who doesn't really know you.
You have a crush, but they don't know you or know that you do have one.
See the point?
I won't copy and paste the next one because it is personal and has names in it.
His dad died and that was all he had left.
But think about it.
You were born, if you like it or not.
You're one in a billion.
Why not take a chance and see where you go?
Death holds a huge place in your mind.
I don't know.
I'm still iffy on hearts.
I have been surrounded by death all my life.
I have wanted to die so many times because I felt so guilty for the people who have died in my life.
That last time I could had talked to them, but didn't.
The last time that I could had said how much I loved them, but I screamed at them to get away from my life.
The ones who didn't even know what hit them.
It goes on and on.
But would those people want you dead?
Would those people have told you "Go kill yourself too"?
If so, find new friends.
But else, think about it.
They had no say in their deaths, if it was accidental.
If it was suicide, what is the point of following in their paths?
Just because you have no one left does not mean that nobody depends on you.
Without realizing it, you yourself may be a role model for someone in your life.
What would happen if you died?
Anyways, long post is long, and it is 02:54 and I have to wake up at 06:30 and dance until 12-13 so....
Goodnight, morning, afternoon, evening, or whatever time it is over there as you read this.
Please, please breathe.
The best thing you can do for yourself is breathe and try to get to the base of what is causing all this.
-hugs and smiles-
Bunneh
P.S. I am in no way trying to influence others to be suicidal, depressed, etc. It is not a 'cool' thing, it is something that is real, that exists, and can happen at a moments time. I posted this in case others are under the same situation.
